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Science

Pupil in denial

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Beautiful but empty
Your eyes have seen it all
Watched every part
Good part
It gets to see the shining light from above
It gets to smile for every scene that races the heart
It gets to perceive the beauty of both
Bad part
It doesnt close when you want to
Yet opens when you dont ask to
Your eyes have seen it all
It gets to see the contrary of perfection
Without meaning, without blinking
Your eys have seen it all
It never fails to see wide open
Never gets tired
But you do
And you just wish you were blind


OO.

  I’m not good at remembering exact dates and all that kind of crap, but i sure remember everything about you and everything with you. I know I must forget you, let go and stop holding on, but sometimes, I forget about forgetting you.

Remember the night when I said that if ever things fall apart between us you shouldn’t worry about me coz I’ll just think of you as my pet dog bubbles who died of starvation? I lied. You asked me how I really felt about you, I said nothing. I lied again. All the times that we were together, all I did was lie, deny, and push you away, because that was the right thing to do. Because, I knew while you were with me, her heart is breaking, and I don’t want to be a part of that. I said three-fourths of me wants you to go back and fix things with her, but the truth is, I want you so bad that pushing you away would be the best thing to do coz I know you’ll be happier with her, which I have proved right. I know you’re happy now, happier than you could ever be with me, and I am genuinely happy for the both of you. No BS.

Am I mad? No. That’s what I’ve been trying to do, be mad at you so that it would be easier for me to move on and forget you, but I can’t. Because I can’t find a freakin reason to hate you, because, everything I hated about you, I learned to love, even your annoying non-stop self-admiration, the fact that you’re an asshole, your vanity, your ADHD-like syndrome, your “I’m so fine everyone wants to shag me” line that you never fail to mention whenever I criticize you, and how you made me wait for twenty five hours.

Would I do it all over again? Hell to the yes. If I were to pick someone who I can watch dvds with while eating cold pizza, play tong-its with till dawn, re-enact UFC moves, listen to wild confessions and laugh at those stupid callers, sing mushy songs with, play hide and seek with (underpants version), argue about anything with, get into petty fights with, pig out with, have fart contest with, and make ertyuifloveghjhggjhg with even when my sister was just a mattress away, I’d choose you every time. Without thinking twice.

Sounds cliché but I have never really loved someone fully, till I met you. And my heart has never been so broken by someone till you left. Imagine how many times I had to pretend I was doing fine without you, imagine how I was able to fill my brain up with dental crap when all i did was think about you, imagine how I still stayed at the place where we did everything even when you weren’t around anymore, with your smell lingering and memories of you flashing in. Imagine how I was able to do all of that without using someone. I did it all by myself.

Not a fucking day goes by that I don’t think about you. I miss you so much. I miss hugging you from behind, stroking your hair till you fall asleep, teasing you, punching you, listening to your sob stories about life, looking at you, and most of all, I miss how you put your left hand on my cheek, right on my waist, every time we kissed. I bet you’ve forgotten all of it but just in case you don’t know, I loved you from the day you made me wait for twenty five hours to this day I am finally doing what you’ve been asking me to do years ago. I remember how cute you looked when you were begging for me to write a poem about you. Good times… And that’s all it’ll ever be.

You’ve been the only thing that’s right, in all I’ve done.


Pulling together every detail of that significant day

Nothing but unhappiness streamed over my frailty

Departure drew closer as I mumble those three words

I have returned into this shapeless world yet again

With an echo murmuring I told you so

   

 

I wouldn’t want to be here if not for you

In this room where sane is senseless

Where my screams meant nothing but a scream

Where I am nothing but nothing

Merely nothing.

 

As I plead deafeningly for consideration, reassurance and validation,

That I am not going to be locked up permanently

Thoughts of you broke in uninformed like a nocturnal thief

If getting robbed is what it takes to be connected to you once more

I’d cry for endless invasion

 

It deserves a second chance. An option to be consumed

That 30-minute day-pass I turned down a while ago

It ought to be spent with willingness

And so I am. Freely stepping out of this asymmetry

Just so I can feel again how it feels

 

It’s been a long while since my feet touched these grasses

As I walk relentlessly close to your sanctuary

Rain began to pour, and so as the thoughts of you

If getting drenched is what it takes to be with you again

I would cry for eternal storm

 

You will later on forget and recover, you said

But three years was never painless to shake off

With what you’ve left, how can I ever?

With those three unwary words you’ve said

Tell me, Will I ever?

 

My knees quivered as I mumble those three words

For a second I felt like you were behind me, listening

If MISERY IS what it takes for you to FORGIVE me

I’d cry for never-ending distress

I would die just to have you back again.

 


last.

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a human hand to hold. that. u cant get for free.