kaya mag bblog nalang ako. anumpakemo.

Games

OO.

  I’m not good at remembering exact dates and all that kind of crap, but i sure remember everything about you and everything with you. I know I must forget you, let go and stop holding on, but sometimes, I forget about forgetting you.

Remember the night when I said that if ever things fall apart between us you shouldn’t worry about me coz I’ll just think of you as my pet dog bubbles who died of starvation? I lied. You asked me how I really felt about you, I said nothing. I lied again. All the times that we were together, all I did was lie, deny, and push you away, because that was the right thing to do. Because, I knew while you were with me, her heart is breaking, and I don’t want to be a part of that. I said three-fourths of me wants you to go back and fix things with her, but the truth is, I want you so bad that pushing you away would be the best thing to do coz I know you’ll be happier with her, which I have proved right. I know you’re happy now, happier than you could ever be with me, and I am genuinely happy for the both of you. No BS.

Am I mad? No. That’s what I’ve been trying to do, be mad at you so that it would be easier for me to move on and forget you, but I can’t. Because I can’t find a freakin reason to hate you, because, everything I hated about you, I learned to love, even your annoying non-stop self-admiration, the fact that you’re an asshole, your vanity, your ADHD-like syndrome, your “I’m so fine everyone wants to shag me” line that you never fail to mention whenever I criticize you, and how you made me wait for twenty five hours.

Would I do it all over again? Hell to the yes. If I were to pick someone who I can watch dvds with while eating cold pizza, play tong-its with till dawn, re-enact UFC moves, listen to wild confessions and laugh at those stupid callers, sing mushy songs with, play hide and seek with (underpants version), argue about anything with, get into petty fights with, pig out with, have fart contest with, and make ertyuifloveghjhggjhg with even when my sister was just a mattress away, I’d choose you every time. Without thinking twice.

Sounds cliché but I have never really loved someone fully, till I met you. And my heart has never been so broken by someone till you left. Imagine how many times I had to pretend I was doing fine without you, imagine how I was able to fill my brain up with dental crap when all i did was think about you, imagine how I still stayed at the place where we did everything even when you weren’t around anymore, with your smell lingering and memories of you flashing in. Imagine how I was able to do all of that without using someone. I did it all by myself.

Not a fucking day goes by that I don’t think about you. I miss you so much. I miss hugging you from behind, stroking your hair till you fall asleep, teasing you, punching you, listening to your sob stories about life, looking at you, and most of all, I miss how you put your left hand on my cheek, right on my waist, every time we kissed. I bet you’ve forgotten all of it but just in case you don’t know, I loved you from the day you made me wait for twenty five hours to this day I am finally doing what you’ve been asking me to do years ago. I remember how cute you looked when you were begging for me to write a poem about you. Good times… And that’s all it’ll ever be.

You’ve been the only thing that’s right, in all I’ve done.


7.29.06

You know it makes me unhappy (what’s that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can’t make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up

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“sana naging lalake nalang ako”

yan ung winish ko habang hinihipan ang kadila ku nung 18th bertdey ko.
napaka impossible diba? eh kahit anu naman kase iwish ko alam kong d naman mangyayare, kaya naisip ko humiling nalang ako ng pinakaimpossibleng bagay na malabong mangyari.

“bakit yun ang winish mo?” tinanung ku ang sarili ku. bakit nga ba?

simula ng iniwan kami ng demonyo kong ama. sinabi ko sa sarili ko kahit kelan hndi ako magmamahal ng lalakeng tulad nya.

ang mga lalake ay hudas. wala silang ibang ginawa kung hndi manakit ng babae. manloko ng babae. at mambabae. dahil ba lalake rin si jesus kaya pakiramdam nyo na kayo ang nakaka angat? na pwede nyo ng gawin lahat na naaayon sa kagstuhan nyo kahit alam nyong makakasakit kayo ng ibang tao? para saken, salot ang mga lalake.

ung pumatay kay nida blanca, diba lalake un?
ung holdaper sa recto, lalake din un.
ung na lethal injection na c leo etchagaray dahil nirape nya ung anak nya, lalake rin un eh.

pag ang lalake nambabae, ang dahilan nila, “lalake ako kaya d ko mapigilan sarili ko, nagkakamali rin ako” pro pag ang babae ang nanlalake, kung anu anu sasabihin sayu, kesyo malandi ka, puta ka, makati ka, pokpok ka.

ung mga lalake, cge lang kalabit doon, pasok dito, bomba dun, putok dito. pro sa kalabasan sino ang lugi? sempre mga babae.

bakit nag kaganun? dahil ba kinagat ni eba ung mansanas kaya sa babae nabunton lahat ng parusa? eh kung baliktarin kaya natin lahat ng ngyare?

kayu kaya ang reglahin kada buwan at saktan ng puson na kala mu hinuhugot ung buo mung matres?

kayu kaya ang manganak?
kayu kaya ang paulit ulit paiyakin?
kayu kaya ang lokolokohin?
kayu kaya ang isnatchan ng selpon sa gitna ng slaman?
kayu kaya ang hatakin sa kanto at hubaran ng damit sabay “dyug.dyug.”?
kayu kaya ang bugbugin ng lasing nyong asawa?
kayu kaya ang putaktihin ng mga anak nyong mahilig manghingi ng piso?
kayu kaya ang magputa?
kayu kaya ang magtinda ng halo halo ng disi oras ng gabi para lang may makain kayu kinabukasan?

isipin nyo, hndi porke lalake ang diyos, eh ibig sabihin makapangyarihan na rin kayo.

saan ba nagmula c jesus?
kay maria. babae un diba?

ng nagbunga ang kalibugan ni adan at eba, sinu ang nagdala at nagluwal?
si eba diba?

pro kahit papano, kahit ganito paulit ulit lang akong sinasaktan ng mga lalake, hndi parin sumagi sa isip ko na sisihin at magalit kay lord. oo alam ko lalake sya. makapangyarihan sya. at sya lang ang may karapatan saktan ako paulit ulit. hndi ikaw. hndi kayo. at hindi ang kung sino.

bakit ko nga ba hiniling na maging lalake?
dahil gusto ko rin maging hudas.
gustu kung intindihin at malaman kung anu ang dahilan bakit ang mga lalake ay hndi makuntento sa isa. bakit sila ma pride. bakit sila masama. bakit sila mautos. bakit. madaming bakit.

cguro paranoid lang ako. dahil ayokong mangyari sakin ang ngyari kay mama. cguro kaya galit ako sa lalake, dahil inabanduna at iniwan ako ng pinaka importanteng lalakeng sa buhay ko.

ngayon, andyan sya. pro parang wala. sinasabi nyang mahal nya kame ni kuya, pro hndi nya pinapatunayan. puro salita. daig pa nya ang mga politikong pangako ng pangako na ganito ganyan ganun.

kc: pa pengi nga ng pantwisyon
pa: o eto limang daan.
kc: walangkanu naman sa kakuriputan oh. cge gudlak, ihanap mu muna ko ng skul na limangdaan lang ang twisyon fee.

mahal ko sya. minahal ko sya. inintindi ko kung bakit mas pinili nyang lumayo. pro eto na ung oras kung saan d ko na kayang intindihin. wala na. taym awt na. ay gib ap.

nghihinayang lang ako, bakit hndi dumating sa point na sa bawat pagtanda ko, sa bawat kandilang hinihipan ko kada bertdey ko, sa bawat exam na ipasa ko, sa bawat linyang kinakanta ko, sa bawat letrang sinusulat ko, anjan ka sa tabi ko. sumusuporta at tinatanggap lahat ng pagkakamali ko bilang tao.

eto ang riyalidad.
hndi ako perpektong anak. at kahit kelan d ka naging mabuting ama. =P

yep.

di ako galit. nagpapaliwanag lang.