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Food and Drink

you got a knife in your back.

Sometimes, giving up doesn’t always mean you’re a loser or weak or whatever. It’s just that you’re getting tired of playing the same game over and over. Like being laughed at or picked on every single day, like eating greasy French fries five days in a row. Tiring, nauseating, and not to mention, AGGRAVATING. Then you ask yourself, “Why does it always have to be me?” Then you wait for answers, but not a single word comes up.

In case you’re wondering why I’m writing this kind of crap again, it’s easy. What has happened before is happening again, and what has been done before.. Being done again. AGAIN. Oh how I hated that word!

It’s been a year since we moved back here. Seriously, I never missed the place, just the wonderful people I made friends with. And as I expected, a major change happened. Anyway, everyday was like first day of school for me, probably because I’m always on a solo flight. No one ever liked me, that’s a fact. But you know what; say anything you want behind my back, JUST! Make sure were not friends, or I don’t know you. Anyway, I’ve been whining for like ten years now about people like them, so maybe I’ll whine some more.

Sure, life is a game, if you quit, you lose, the more you get hooked on playing it, the more likely you are to win right? That’s how it goes for some, but not for me. Seriously, I’m tired of playing games; of getting even with people who’ve wronged me, of retaliating, tired of being tired. I depended too much in bad karma, that I lost control of my self. I acted as if I am karma. Stupid right? I know.

Things happen when we least expect it right? My error was, I expected too much. I expected things would now go “my way”. For I thought it was my turn. But no, it wasn’t. I anticipated, presumed and took everything for granted.  I can’t say I’m miserable now, or more, yet I can’t lie about my never ending pitfalls.

2 days ago, I kind of fell apart. I lost the only armor I carry on every battle. PATIENCE. Was I drunk? Or stoned? NO. I was just so full of it. Like a bobbled soda bursting out of its can, like a broken cartridge caused by too much pressure. The feeling was excruciating but not paralyzing. With too much anger, I felt as if my heart stopped pumping for a while, maybe I kind of jolted for a second then later on, everything started. Exchange of words, door slamming, every thing an angry man could possibly do. I felt awful after that to tell you the truth. Because in that fight, I know we were both losers. With regret, I began to understand why I jolt before fights. That was a caution. A reminder to keep myself calm and composed, that you can’t put a fire down with another explosion. That day I accepted defeat with learned lesson. If a stone has been thrown at you by someone who undeniably dislikes you, catch it, then let go of it. Never ever throw it back. If you do, one blink could entirely ruin you.

Unfortunately, that certain person I had a fight with, did not grasp what I did. And I kind of felt bad because after what happened, none of those exchange of awful words struck her to ponder. Then I came up with a conclusion, that maybe, that’s her way of showing people how good she is when it comes to arguments, that she had never lost a fight over a bugger-looking loser, that she can never ran out of humiliating things to say about her opponent. I admit she is indeed strong. Although the fight didn’t get physical, I can say that one blow would instantly send me off to my funeral.  It was such a letdown for me to know that all she thinks about was winning so she can brag about how great she was the next day. But at the same time, I kind of felt sorry for her too. She must have experienced a lot of criticisms and been picked on too many times, instead of learning from it, she copped out I guess. Now, she’s so strong, no freaking doubt about it. She can pick a fight with anyone she wants. She can blow you off with one foolish remark. Sure, she is strong, but you know what, strength alone isn’t something you should be proud of, for it is noting without wisdom. Something she doesn’t have. The most important weapon, too difficult to obtain, too valuable to sell.

I wrote this not to provoke her or something, I bet she wouldn’t even find out about this, but still I’m hoping, she’d read this, and for once, think.