down and out!
by Keysi Tot on Friday, February 25, 2011 at 5:57pm
“What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” -Mai’s Motto in life.
That’s why I’ve been using facebook keysitot-style for a month already. no wall, disabled comments, no news feeds from friends (all, no exceptions), blocked app invites, blocked people i don’t want to get connected with, and rejected friend requests from people I’m not really friends with. Why? that’s just how i roll. Sorry if I sound a bit arrogant.
I just want to have real conversations with old friends i haven’t talked to in ages, ex-classmates, xs, colleagues, ask “how are you?” and all that kamustahan crap and say its been a while, i missed you, and ACTUALLY mean it. gets? Because I’m at this point in my life where I’ve realized that giving a crap about everyone and everything every time is pointless. Especially if you’re not sure if that person genuinely gives a crap like you do. Plus, I’m tired counterattacking all of your bullshits.
So I’m going to start compartmentalizing, not just my facebook, but my life as a human being who doesn’t deserve to be piled up with huge amount of bullshits every day. From those who consider me as a friend only when they’re bored or broke, from egotistical exes who assumes I still have feelings for them, from people who judge me all the time, from mirror hugging btchs and aholes, good time friends who only sees me as a giant beer bong, a shuttle service driver, autoloadmaxx, and finally from people I really do care about. The last one is first on my list.
This isn’t me hating. This is me being ME. A 24 year old something who received an early wakeup call from someone I have ever really loved fully. Someone who I played push-pull game with. Someone I’ve met broken and left fixed. See, I like fixing things, situations, people who think they can’t be fixed, even if it means I’m gonna be the one left broken. Sick right? I know, that’s why It’s time for me to change. I have been perfectly still for the past years while all of you transformed into [insert noun]. Can’t deal with that anymore.
what am i gonna do with thousands of good time friends anyway when i only need a dozen of real ones?
END OF STORY.
I don’t know a lot about narcissistic personality disorder, but here’s what I know, IT’S ANNOYING. I understand the fact that it is a disorder and something purely involuntary, but come on, non-stop self admiration?! Pffft.
I have five words for you egotistical piece of cow turd, you are not that special. Just because of the situation you’re in now which is because of me doesn’t mean you’re dakila.
All I ask is gratefulness, a simple thank you that because of me you’re studying, or at least show that you’re really thankful so that my efforts wouldn’t go into waste. It’s not that you have to thank me every day, or be my slave; all I need is to see that you deserve what you’re getting now.
Call me sumbatera, but how can I not sumbat someone who is so kasumbatsumbat! Hahaha ang arte eh no, di ko kasi alam English ng sumbat. We are so disappointed in you, especially the person who works hard just to pay for your education. I know you’ve assimilated a lot of knowledge since you got into college but one thing is for sure, you were asleep when the words gratitude and modesty was being lectured.
And what’s so frustrating about it is that you were never like that before.
Never again will I help someone who doesn’t deserve anything.
and wag kang parang xerox copy ng malabong xerox copy ng original copy. have some originality, will you?
Brandon B. is right. High school never ends. Up until now, I’m dealing with bunch of freaking pre-schoolers. Gossips, siraan, plastikan, pasikatan, pagalingan and all that. Maybe some people are really afraid to grow up. Maybe that’s how they find their reassurance. Maybe that’s how they
conceal their flaws. By making other people feel bad about themselves, by assuming that they’re better than anyone else. They just can’t accept the fact that there’s always someone better than them, that’s why they instantly step on to someone they think will outshine more before others find out how stupid, weak, insecure, and rotten they are.
Been there. Done that. End of story.
“Being with you is like struggling to create a line out of a perfect circle. Unbending a curve to make it even, trying to cut a portion to break the union of the unknown. “
Nobody’s perfect, I know, but I can’t always stick to that perspective for me to accept unbearable issues and just forgive and forget. It’s been a month or two since I ditched someone important to me, hoping that she’d change or be smart and sensitive enough to figure out why I did what I did.
I weep for you, breathe for you, and think for you, because I felt like I have to. Like there’s no other choice but for me to do things for you, not because I want to do it for you. For so long I’ve been trapped in your misery. Every time you feel small, I feel obliged to feel the same way. Every time you hurt, I feel I should too, because I thought not being so, means I’m a terrible friend. I felt so many things I wish I didn’t. I felt small, weak, helpless, deprived, pushed, manipulated, used and abused. I felt everything that suddenly I can’t feel anything anymore. Not even regret.
Call me weak but I’m tired and I have to go back to where I used to be, to who I used to be. I don’t want to be your shock absorber anymore. I don’t want to hurt for you or cry for you or think for you. Not anymore. I’ve waited long enough for you to change and fix me. I give up. Waiting for you is like waiting for a bus at the train station, absurd and impossible. So here I am now, watching the torn pieces of my bus ticket I bought two years ago, fly..up..and away.
There’s no machine to turn back time. No erase icon to click. No delete button to press. No one can ever undo anything. No one ever has. It’s freaking New Year. Big deal. Everyone’s got their own resolutions, own fires to crack, own predictions and et cetera. People are now focused on what might be on the sack for them this year. And I’m left behind again. As usual. Trapped on the might have beens. 2006 was a downer, like a shot of depressing barbiturate. Departures, disappointments, fucked-up decisions, betrayal and all that. As much as I wanted to be optimistic, it seemed like the negatives had shoved off all the positive charged molecules on my system. I’ve been reading a lot of books for the past couple of months, which I think kind of helped me understand why I’m going through all this sick shit. This is nobody’s fault but mine. Self-destruction. Though this wasn’t my choice, I still have to suffer from it. Damage control or suchlike? Fuck that shit. No one can possibly control the impossible, something that isn’t included on the choices. Just as you thought you could change your mind or make a choice to not choose or run away from hurt, it gets you right on your cervical spine straight up into your brain, slowly eating your wits up that you can’t undoubtedly repel.
30 minutes to go before that very big deal everyone had been waiting for; I was going with the flow alright, throwing silly firecrackers and stuff, blowing torotots, watching the sky all sparkly and glittery. The watching part was fun, the noise made me feel safe; it made me appreciate my 4th sense. Hearing. Sometimes, a weird thing reminds me that I’m still alive. Loud, genuine, angry, unpretentious noises. White noises, fire alarms, ringing tones, horns, et cetera. A sound that goes deep down into the drums, penetrating, piercing every single noise through my skin, like a force pushing as I respond to its strength. A reminder that I can still feel.
As I inhale the horrible smell of smoke-, which came from the after burns of the firecrackers that stunk so bad-, I became more aware that I can no longer tolerate the smell of it. The smoke seemed like a concrete wall that collapsed into my body as it pressed my lungs down. Suffocation. I rushed into my room, and closed my windows. Long breaths. Inhale. Exhale. And then Silence.
Silence always makes every bit of my past rush back. I hated it. I hated remembering the past. The past that I burnt. Like a beautiful sonnet without an ending, crippled and ripped into pieces then burnt until its ashes turns into nothing. Invisibility. The power of being able to see but not be seen. I convinced myself that my past is now invisible, erased, forgotten. 10 minutes to go, dates will be different, but things will not be. Everyday will be as ordinary and as painful as yesterday, as the day before yesterday, last two months, last year. Only dates will be different. But my life will not be. Though I want it to be. I want it to be worth living for.
Ten. Nine. Eight. Before the count goes to five, I rushed back to the garage and watched the fireworks display. Five. Four. Three. I watched the beauty of it as it whooshed up into the sky and multiply. I saw colors. Different colors. My favorite was the amethyst, my birthstone. Sometimes, I don’t seem like it, but I’m into metaphysical- like birth signs and astrology, Constellations, stars, orbits and all that.
Two. One. Boom. There goes the ultra super mega fireworks display- the hundred shots of different fireworks. Star of the night, at least here in our place. Then I blew my humongous horn wrapped with purple chicken feathers. I gave my best blow. Hard. Loud. Until I finally run out of breathe.
Now it’s 1:02am. Fireworks are gone. Streetlights are now off. The noise level went down from ten to zero. Just like last year’s new year. Brief and nostalgic. Every thought of the stunning fireworks I’ve watched an hour ago was all replaced by the thoughts of the past. Silence. It made me feel dead again.
Now and again there’s a price to pay
For every scratch and scar you’ve done
For every compassion and spirit you’ve wrecked
Yes, there’s a price. Of misery. Of agony
Pay no attention to the feeling.
No matter how hard you try to escape
Vengeance is everywhere.
She can sense your doubts.
She can heed your tears.
You can disguise resplendently
Except, you can’t run away.
There’s nothing you can do about it.
Repentance is too late.
You’ve done the damage.
At this moment I’m happy.
I’m wearing this evil laugh with pride
Let me stare at your sufferings.
Let me gaze at your expiration.
Am I feeling guilty?
No. Not at all.
No fucking regrets.
No fucking remorse.
Give up. Stop begging.
For I am not the ruler of chances
It is you who made yourself suffer
Now you’re draped roughly on her manipulation.
There’s nothing you can do to rise above her
For she is the deity of celestial intrusion.
You’re now in her hands, screaming and crying
As I watch you being destroyed by wicked fate
Oh Yes! There is such thing as KARMA.
After months of ass smoldering school works and discussions, I finally had my time off. Our time off. And all I want to do now is enjoy every second of it. I am seriously going to sleep all day. Not literally, maybe 16 hrs of sleep would be nice.
I’m tired of school, although I value my allowance a lot. I’m tired of not raising my hand even if I sure know the right answer. Tired of holding back, really. And I am seriously exhausted and fed-up with all those egocentric guys in school. and hello "friends"? where did you all go??
i’m so used up. Burnout. idk. I’m neither happy, nor sad. and that doesn’t make any sense. i guess i just have to try and make changes alone.
Anyway, I’m glad it’s sembreak, but I’m sad too coz sembreak means no baon for me. And no baon means, no money for arcades. No money for arcades means no tickets. And no tickets means no PSP. What a bummer.
I think I’ll just have to stick with sleeping all day. And this time I mean literally. All I need is a dose of Unisom and bam-wham! I’m in a haze.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. “- Charlie (perks of being a wallflower.)