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Author Archive

ayos!

1. QuicksandLg
2. A Kiss to Send us Off
3. Dig
4. Anna Molly
5. Love hurts
6. Light Grenades
7. Earth to Bella (part I)
8. Oil and Water
9. Diamonds and Coal
10. Rouges
11. Paper Shoes
12. Pendulous threads
13. Earth to Bella (part II)

375 pesos lang! bili na!

www.enjoyincubus.com


a constellation – sister rose: sign of a rejected child

Cimg6455

Everybody lies. Everybody leaves. That’s how things work now. You just have to be cautious or rather numb. If you don’t, you’ll be locked in shadows, painfully screaming, crying, and begging. Trust? That’s bullshit. You can’t trust anyone nowadays, not even your brother, or your best friend.

Have you ever felt so ignored like you don’t even exist at all? And you just wish you were deaf-blind just so you can’t hear and see what others say about you, positive or negative. Am I unfairly treated? Yes. And that hurts so bad I can’t even lift my self and fight back.

Isn’t it hard when you’re facing shitloads of problems and you don’t have someone to talk to or someone that can listen to you or someone that can hold you while you’re breaking down? It’s damn hard to be alone.

Some of you might ask, “What the hell is your problem? You’re not the only one being unfairly treated, ignored and criticized!” –I know that. And the fact that I’m not the only one having this kind of problem makes me wonder, why the hell do I need to think about that, I have my own problem to focus on.

Everyday, I face criticisms, fake compliments, forced smiles, eye rolls, and all that kind of crap, which I can’t take anymore. Even if I’m trying to be nice and all, people don’t see that, all they see is that I’m not good enough for them and that I can never be good enough.

I’m tired of people always lying, and leaving. Why can’t we all just tell the truth? Why can’t we all just stay? Why can’t we?

Pathetic Right? I know. I just want this shit to stop you know. Be my friend and love me for who I am, maybe that’s all I need. 


Red Karma

Cimg4573Panic! It’s payback time
Don’t run my precious foe
I’m not going to hurt you.
Wait. Maybe or maybe not.

Now and again there’s a price to pay
For every scratch and scar you’ve done
For every compassion and spirit you’ve wrecked
Yes, there’s a price. Of misery. Of agony

Distant yourself.
Pay no attention to the feeling.
No matter how hard you try to escape
Vengeance is everywhere.

She can sense your doubts.
She can heed your tears.
You can disguise resplendently
Except, you can’t run away.

Surrender.
There’s nothing you can do about it.
Repentance is too late.
You’ve done the damage. 

At this moment I’m happy.
I’m wearing this evil laugh with pride
Let me stare at your sufferings.
Let me gaze at your expiration.

Am I feeling guilty?
No. Not at all.
No fucking regrets.
No fucking remorse.

Give up. Stop begging.
For I am not the ruler of chances
It is you who made yourself suffer
Now you’re draped roughly on her manipulation.

There’s nothing you can do to rise above her
For she is the deity of celestial intrusion.
You’re now in her hands, screaming and crying
As I watch you being destroyed by wicked fate

Oh Yes! There is such thing as KARMA.


smeared makeup

467328Your accent enrages me.
You dress in a composition
You are a replica of nonsense.
Why can’t you see that?

Behind that self image
I know you are wretched.
I know you are fucked.
I know you more than you know yourself.

Wear that stupid smile.
Come on wear it with satisfaction.
Lay it bare won’t you
Even so, you can’t trick me.

Put on your pricey mascara
Don’t let it run. Just don’t.
Put on that dress with conceit.
Don’t let it ruin you. Just don’t.

Start your show now will you?
Its Trick-or-treat time.
Mislead them with your fascination
Take them in a spree of deception.

Tell me, does that make you pleased?
What do you get out of it?
A dose of contentment?
or rather a disappontment big enough to choke on.

I know you more than you know yourself.
You can’t lie to me. You can’t.
Take off that mask. You can’t conceal that broken part
I know what hides behind them. 

Do you want to scream?
Do you want to cry?
Do you want to run away?
Do you want to expire?

Do whatever you want with yourself.
Just scream without an echo.
Weep without a single tear
This time, I desire for your sudden disappearance.

Now Silence please.
I need my peace.


take a sem-BREAK.

After months of ass smoldering school works and discussions, I finally had my time off. Our time off. And all I want to do now is enjoy every second of it. I am seriously going to sleep all day. Not literally, maybe 16 hrs of sleep would be nice.

I’m tired of school, although I value my allowance a lot. I’m tired of not raising my hand even if I sure know the right answer. Tired of holding back, really. And I am seriously exhausted and fed-up with all those egocentric guys in school. and hello "friends"? where did you all go??

i’m so used up. Burnout. idk. I’m neither happy, nor sad. and that doesn’t make any sense. i guess i just have to try and make changes alone.

Anyway, I’m glad it’s sembreak, but I’m sad too coz sembreak means no baon for me. And no baon means, no money for arcades. No money for arcades means no tickets. And no tickets means no PSP. What a bummer.

I think I’ll just have to stick with sleeping all day. And this time I mean literally. All I need is a dose of Unisom and bam-wham! I’m in a haze.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. “- Charlie (perks of being a wallflower.)


PARTIALLY AMNESIAC

Around 9 a.m.

I opened my eyes.

I was awakened by a dreadful spell

I wanted to scream,

But I held it down instead.

I don’t want to wake u up.

Not just yet.

I would rather see you unmoving

Than gaze at your gloomy disappearance.

Let me capture you first.

Let me take a photograph of your soul

Let me stare at your depressing beam

You’re real. I know you are.

But they don’t.

This time I know you’re not just a mind’s eye.

You’re real. I know you are.

But you don’t.

It was 2 in the afternoon.

When you opened yours.

You gave me a strange stare

Like you don’t recognize me.

You rushed out of bed

And ran away without a word.

I wanted to whimper.

But I held it down instead.

Coz I don’t want sympathy.

Not at this moment. Not eternally.

I yearn for your love.

But you took it away.

You left me.

This time I know that was real.

Yes you left me.

And I felt it.

Misery. Sorrow. Pain.

It wounded me hard.

That I cannot even lift myself

To pick up the sad pieces

That you’ve just shattered.

You left me. You did.

I felt it. But you didn’t.

.


last.

Cimg9818

a human hand to hold. that. u cant get for free.


paradise-not found

i want to go far away from people i know and people hu knows me. i wanta go to a place wer no one knows me. wer things wud work out the way i want it. wer i can be myself. wer no one wud care if i am funny-looking, if i am weird, if i dress out of the occasion, a place far away from here. a place wid nice people and nice books. a place wer no one wud give a damn if im bad in english, a place with no critics, no racist, no heartbreakers, murderers, theives. a place that is ideal. a perfect place to live, grow, learn, and unfold.

Being myself isnt working. and i have to escape from here.

i want to go to a nice place. a place wer i can breathe, sing, SMILE, laugh, and love. a place wer there’s no hate, jealousy, bitterness, cruelty, hipocrisy. a place that isnt evil. a place with no phonies.

a place of acceptance. joy. love. and true friendship. a place called PARADISE.

now tell me, is there such place?

-feb 3, 2006


not-happytreefriends

ang pagkakaibigan ay parang puno. lumalago, bumubunga, at nalalanta.
kunwari ako yung mismong puno, at ang mga kaibigan ko ay ung mga dahon. inaalagaan ko cla, bnbgyan ng lakas. ng magandang texture at kulay. at kunwari ung bunga ng puno ay ang pinakamatlik kong kaibigan. apol sya kunwari. inaalagan ko sya, gngwang pinakamapulang mansanas sa lahat. bawat dahon at bunga ng naka dikit sakin ay pinapahalagahan ko. ganun ang pagkakaibigan. pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal.

pro diba hndi maiiwasan ang paglagas. ang pagpitas. hndi rin maiiwasan sa pagkakaibigan ang pag iwan, at pagsama sa iba. pagkatapos mong ibigay lahat sa kanila, pagkatapos mong pasayahin- tulad ng puno, pagkatapos mong alagaan at palaguin bawat dahon at bunga, unti unti rin itong malalagas o pipitasin. hanggat magigising ka nalang na wala na lahat ng minahal mo, pinahalagahan mo, inalagaan mo, pinasaya mo.

dahil nakuha na nila ang gusto nila. or dahil hndi na cla masaya sau. wala na, ni isang dahon, wala ng natira sau. isang tuyot na puno. walang dahon, walang bunga.

kung ihahalin tulad naman sa fake plastic tree ang friendship, evrything is fake. pati ikaw. di ata maganda un..hmm.

"keep your delight of friendship but u must learn how to know ur friends"


when you dont want to feel, u just dont want to feel. period.

Cimg4356pain, hatred, fear, insecurity, envy, cruelty and apathy. rolled into one ball of shit.
it unexpectedly hit me. and turned me into a different person. it was unbearable. at first i tot it’ll kill me if i just let that thing manipulate my being, but i got used to it. day by day. it made my heart fall into a deep sleep. far down from reality. 

love me. hurt me. fear me. insult me. control me. rape me. stab me. bite me. kiss me. lie to me. kill me. slap me. torture me. make fun of me. criticize me. deny me. hurt me. and i will do the same.

for it is you who will suffer the most. go on, utter those sharp words, stab me to death.
killing me means bringing me back to life.

now its my turn to make yours miserable.


7.29.06

You know it makes me unhappy (what’s that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it’s time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can’t make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up

—————————————————————————————————————————————————–

“sana naging lalake nalang ako”

yan ung winish ko habang hinihipan ang kadila ku nung 18th bertdey ko.
napaka impossible diba? eh kahit anu naman kase iwish ko alam kong d naman mangyayare, kaya naisip ko humiling nalang ako ng pinakaimpossibleng bagay na malabong mangyari.

“bakit yun ang winish mo?” tinanung ku ang sarili ku. bakit nga ba?

simula ng iniwan kami ng demonyo kong ama. sinabi ko sa sarili ko kahit kelan hndi ako magmamahal ng lalakeng tulad nya.

ang mga lalake ay hudas. wala silang ibang ginawa kung hndi manakit ng babae. manloko ng babae. at mambabae. dahil ba lalake rin si jesus kaya pakiramdam nyo na kayo ang nakaka angat? na pwede nyo ng gawin lahat na naaayon sa kagstuhan nyo kahit alam nyong makakasakit kayo ng ibang tao? para saken, salot ang mga lalake.

ung pumatay kay nida blanca, diba lalake un?
ung holdaper sa recto, lalake din un.
ung na lethal injection na c leo etchagaray dahil nirape nya ung anak nya, lalake rin un eh.

pag ang lalake nambabae, ang dahilan nila, “lalake ako kaya d ko mapigilan sarili ko, nagkakamali rin ako” pro pag ang babae ang nanlalake, kung anu anu sasabihin sayu, kesyo malandi ka, puta ka, makati ka, pokpok ka.

ung mga lalake, cge lang kalabit doon, pasok dito, bomba dun, putok dito. pro sa kalabasan sino ang lugi? sempre mga babae.

bakit nag kaganun? dahil ba kinagat ni eba ung mansanas kaya sa babae nabunton lahat ng parusa? eh kung baliktarin kaya natin lahat ng ngyare?

kayu kaya ang reglahin kada buwan at saktan ng puson na kala mu hinuhugot ung buo mung matres?

kayu kaya ang manganak?
kayu kaya ang paulit ulit paiyakin?
kayu kaya ang lokolokohin?
kayu kaya ang isnatchan ng selpon sa gitna ng slaman?
kayu kaya ang hatakin sa kanto at hubaran ng damit sabay “dyug.dyug.”?
kayu kaya ang bugbugin ng lasing nyong asawa?
kayu kaya ang putaktihin ng mga anak nyong mahilig manghingi ng piso?
kayu kaya ang magputa?
kayu kaya ang magtinda ng halo halo ng disi oras ng gabi para lang may makain kayu kinabukasan?

isipin nyo, hndi porke lalake ang diyos, eh ibig sabihin makapangyarihan na rin kayo.

saan ba nagmula c jesus?
kay maria. babae un diba?

ng nagbunga ang kalibugan ni adan at eba, sinu ang nagdala at nagluwal?
si eba diba?

pro kahit papano, kahit ganito paulit ulit lang akong sinasaktan ng mga lalake, hndi parin sumagi sa isip ko na sisihin at magalit kay lord. oo alam ko lalake sya. makapangyarihan sya. at sya lang ang may karapatan saktan ako paulit ulit. hndi ikaw. hndi kayo. at hindi ang kung sino.

bakit ko nga ba hiniling na maging lalake?
dahil gusto ko rin maging hudas.
gustu kung intindihin at malaman kung anu ang dahilan bakit ang mga lalake ay hndi makuntento sa isa. bakit sila ma pride. bakit sila masama. bakit sila mautos. bakit. madaming bakit.

cguro paranoid lang ako. dahil ayokong mangyari sakin ang ngyari kay mama. cguro kaya galit ako sa lalake, dahil inabanduna at iniwan ako ng pinaka importanteng lalakeng sa buhay ko.

ngayon, andyan sya. pro parang wala. sinasabi nyang mahal nya kame ni kuya, pro hndi nya pinapatunayan. puro salita. daig pa nya ang mga politikong pangako ng pangako na ganito ganyan ganun.

kc: pa pengi nga ng pantwisyon
pa: o eto limang daan.
kc: walangkanu naman sa kakuriputan oh. cge gudlak, ihanap mu muna ko ng skul na limangdaan lang ang twisyon fee.

mahal ko sya. minahal ko sya. inintindi ko kung bakit mas pinili nyang lumayo. pro eto na ung oras kung saan d ko na kayang intindihin. wala na. taym awt na. ay gib ap.

nghihinayang lang ako, bakit hndi dumating sa point na sa bawat pagtanda ko, sa bawat kandilang hinihipan ko kada bertdey ko, sa bawat exam na ipasa ko, sa bawat linyang kinakanta ko, sa bawat letrang sinusulat ko, anjan ka sa tabi ko. sumusuporta at tinatanggap lahat ng pagkakamali ko bilang tao.

eto ang riyalidad.
hndi ako perpektong anak. at kahit kelan d ka naging mabuting ama. =P

yep.

di ako galit. nagpapaliwanag lang.


second to none

standing on the edge of a cliff
under this hysterical fear

should i leap over?
or shud i stay?

im giving u a signal
to come with me
on this neverending mistake
wud u follow me?

asking for sanity
im having uncertainties
should i take the risk?
i cant find the remedy

give me your hand
and ill give u mine
lets do this together
jump into eternity

i can take no for an answer
if u refuse to come with
leave without a warning
let it all fall apart

my existence wer never inevitable
am i made for this emotional ditress?
i never longed for this. never will
perhaps i shuld just falter

it was an honest mistake
i created unwilingly
this timeless journey
hoping for it to fade in silence

but it was the contrary
of what i longed for
i asked gently
but u destroyed me

picking up the pieces
of this shattered glass
pointing it into my veins
while u remain faultless

i gave u an invitation
to end this sorrow
a neverending mistake
that i hope to vanish

but u never showed up.
never went across me
never even tried to stop me.
u never came. not even close.


a notion

tiring repitition
deaden the sound
im sick of it

in a short space of time
u have ruined my fate
give it back to me.

leaving me helpless
on a headlong flight
how dare you.

put me back together i said.
put me back to sleep.
put me back there–where u found me
put me back to where i can find peace.

stealing whats on my grasp
taking whats mine
you left nothing. not anything.

hear me screeching.
dont push mute.
let it all go into you.

take in evry word i scream
look straight into my eye
watch it all fall.

ill put u back together. he said.
ill put u back to sleep.
ill put u back there-where i found you
ill put u back to nothing.

stealing whats on my grasp
taking whats mine.
you left nothing. not anything.

it was made for me.
core of my emotion.
seat of my feeling.

it was my heart
that uv ruined.
with no reason.

give it back. i said.
u dont own it anymore.
im no longer yours.
-kc

———————————————————————————————————

pagtingala ko, meron akung nakitang naglalarong krityur sa ilaw.
napa WAW aku. kase ang galing.. parang ansaya saya nya, walang ibang iniisip kungdi maglaro, lumipad paikot ikot sa ilaw.. tapos maya maya
biglang dumapo saken. putangina ipis pala.. nasira tuloy moment ko..

eniwei, tatagalugin ko nalang to kase baka mamaya merun plang nagbabasa ditong super galeng mag english at baka ma okray pa ung gramar ko..

nabubuhay ako sa kasinungalingan. pagpapanggap. pag papalinlang. di ko namalayan pati pla sarili ko niloloko ko na. ung tipong kala mo winawasak na ung buo kung pagkatao pro eto prin ako, nakangiti, taas noon nagkukunwaring walang nararamdaman. minsan naman kahit saktan ako pa ulit ulit, parang tila nasanay nako, hndi ko na nararamdaman ung pait tulad ng dati. parang sinanay ku na ung sarili ko sa ganung sitwasyon. na nung una pag inumpug ku ung ulo ko sa pader, ramdam na ramdam ko ung sakit, andun ung pagtulo ng luha at pag sigaw dhil hndi makayanan ng loob ko ung sakit na naramdaman. pero pa ulit ulit ku paring inumpog ung sarili ko sa pader, sa lamesa, sa bintana, sa pinto, hanggat sa hndi ko na tuluyang maramdaman ung sakit. wala na.. manhid na.

kelan kaya ako ulit makakaramdam? pag dumating na ung taong magmamahal saken ng sobra at sasaktan din ako ng sobra? hndi ko hnihintay un.
at d ko rin hihilinging mangyari un. mas pipiliin ko pang maging mag isa habang buhay, kesa maramdaman ulit ung sakit na pilit kong iniiwasan. oo. duwag na ako. dahil ayoko na ulit maging tulad ng dati.
na walang ibang inisip kung di ibang tao. pinabayaan ko ang sarili ko.
nagpaalipin ako sa pag ibig. binago ko sarili ko at paniniwala ko para lang tanggapin ako ng taong mahal ko. tanga ako.

at ngayon ko lang napagtanto na hndi ko pala dapat gnwa un. sana hinintay ko nalang ung taong pwede akong maging "ako" walang labis walang kulang, walang pagpapanggap, lahat katotohanan, na kahit na gaanong raming upos ng sigarilyo ang makikita nya sa loob ng kwarto,
kahit na hndi ako perpekto,kahit natatawa ako sa maliliit na bagay, kahit na puro mura ang maririnig nya, na kahit na masunget ako, na kahit na bgla nalang ako mananahimik ng walang dahilan, kahit na hndi ko kasundo mga kaibigan nya, kahit na makulit ako, andun parin sya, handang tanggapin at sabayan ang ikot ng mundo ko. ang mahiwagang tanung..MERUN BANG GANUN?

gumising ka keysi. malabong mangyari un..

ALAM ko. kaya nga heto ko nagpapakalulon nalang sa pag aaral. hndi ko kelangan ng lalake. ang pag ibig ay kathang isip lamang na nabubuo dahil sa libido.

sawa na ko sa mga pa ulit ulit na ng yayari. sira na ang plakang paulit ulit pinapatugtog. ubus na ang lighter na paulit ulit sinisindi. wala na. tapos na. isa lang ang hinihintay kong mangyari.

konting pagbabago.

—————————————————————————————————————–

"yakapin mo ko na parang ayaw pakawalan. dito ka lang sa tabi ko wag mo kong iiwan. hndi mo kelangan magsalita. sa paghinga mo palang
naririnig ko na. kaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa takbo ng utak ko. kaya  dyan ka lang.. wag kang aalis. magugunaw ang mundo ko. "


mind work.. another nonsense

it was raining hard dat night, a girl went to the cementery. she brought a pen and a paper. things were really unpredictable until she started digging at the exact same spot were she met dis guy.

“u were d one hu made me famous. u became my inspiration to write such moving poems and stories.  too bad all of it was just a fiction. it was a mere imagination, thinkin u were mine. now i decided to stop this. for i know ur still inluv with her. for i know even if i continue writing poems and stuffs, people will come and appreciate it, but u wont. so its pointless.. i did this for u but how come i still remain unnoticed? so i guess dis is gudbye.”

then the girl buried the pen and paper. while she was cryin, someone suddenly tapped her on the back.

“u r all i notice. i loved u eversince i met u. i loved u since the day i saw u hir, u wer bitter that time. but it didnt matter to me. it didnt even keep me away from having this feelings for u. the day u offered a flower for her grave, i finally saw light and hope. that there is still one person left hir to ease my sufferings. wen she died, i tot my heart died too. but then u came..and evrythin became clear to me. it was love at first sight.. those poems and stories u wrote, i read all of them. i read them evryday from page to page.”

she tot it was real, but then her senses woke. it was just a dream. she still hasnt buried the pen and paper. she cried.

“i guess evrything was just a dream. a dream that can never be real. a dream dat i wanted to come true for so long. so i think ill just continue writing.. until all of this will come tru. ill never stop. ill never get tired. “

for many years, this girl became the bestseller for fictional books. she won an award for writing profound poems. but her works wer never specific. she never mentioned the guy’s full name. the only description she made was, “the guy hu handed me a pen at the cementery.” until now pipol r still wondering hu the guy is. it was such a mystery to the readers.

but the “guy” that she was tokin about doesnt actually exists. he was just one of her mindworks that she found herself fallin for.


wowowee.. ako’y nawiwili!

anu ba nama’t pati ang blog pinapatulan ko na? eh sobrang boring tlga pag bakasyon.. ang dami kong extraordinaryong bagay na nagawa ngaung summer na hndi ko inaakalang kaya ko plang gawin. magaling! tulad ng :

  • araw araw ay sinusubaybayan ko na ang wowowee.. kabisado ko na nga ang tim song ano ba yan
  • nagkasakit ako. nilagnat. inubo. humina ang baga dahil sa peyborit kong bagay.. ang astro cigarette.
  • pinapanood ko na rin ang bidang kontrabida na si ruby.
  • at sa wakas.. nakakapaligo nako araw araw dahil sa init ng panahon! d na amoy baktol!! woohoo
  • hndi na ko umaabsent sa summerclasses. pucha kahit sobrang nakakatamad..
  • natutunan kong tumugtog ng flute na nagngangalang mulawin.
  • marami pa. nkkhiya ung iba.

sabi ko sa sarili ko "k.c. magtino ka na. halos nakaka tatlong lipat ka na ng skul at nakakatatlong palit ka na ng kurso" kaya magtitino nako. sa totoo lang eksited na nga akong mamili ng gamit para sa iskul.. bagong medyas. bagong sapatos. bagong bolpen. at bagong uniform.. yehey.

buti nalang pasado ako sa anaphysio at zoo.. out of 8 subjcts dalawa lng pinasa ko.. i may sound proud kc cnsbi ko pa dito. but im not.. ngayon tatahakin ko ang bagong landas ng pagaaral.. ang maging isang nars! un lang. bow!